Thanks to Bunny Ears for this hilarity:
Parents are people too, and it’s inevitable that your parents will disagree from time to time.
Sometimes Mom will yell at Dad because he forgot to pick you up from your flute lesson … again.
Other times, Dad will call Mom a two-faced backstabbing whore for sleeping with Jim from her office. While it’s completely normal for parents to get into a little lovers quarrel every now and then, that doesn’t mean you need to be on your own for dinner tonight, pal.
Here are some of the best foods to eat in your room while your parents are fighting downstairs:
1. Lunchables
The best part about Lunchables is that you can eliminate the step of using the microwave and make a B-line straight for the sanctuary of your twin bed. You can preoccupy yourself with crafting the perfect cardboard-tasting pizza and completely miss your mom’s rant about Grandma sending her birthday cards on April 15th (your dad’s ex-wife’s birthday).
2. Bugles
Eavesdropping on your parents is never fun. Avoid hearing your dad yell at your mom for recording The View over his favorite episodes of 24 by stocking up on bugles. These crunchy cones will most certainly drown out the sound of Dad throwing the remote control at the wall.
3. Chicken Caesar Salad
Sometimes you can pick up on your parents being passive-aggressive towards each other, which means a fight is definitely brewing. Make yourself a chicken caesar salad in advance (be sure to hide it in the refrigerator and not under your bed; the smell will tip them off to your private dinner plans). The salad will feel like an extravagant treat and you won’t even notice you mom throwing all you dad’s clothes and Rolex watches out on the front lawn again.
4. Pop-Tarts
It’s usually ill-advised to take sides when parents are arguing. But sometimes you can’t help it, especially when Mom takes a low blow at Dad for the time he kissed his secretary on the mouth at the office Christmas party when he definitely was aiming for her cheek. The only thing to eat in a moment like this is the contraband Pop-Tarts you keep in your bedside table.
5. Hot Pockets
This one might be tricky due to the microwave element. You have exactly two minutes and twenty-two seconds to get the hell out of the kitchen. Make sure the Hot Pocket cools down before you eat it, or you may get burnt. But remember: Nothing will ever burn as much as Mom threatening to divorce Dad, so keep it all in perspective.
