DETROIT – She’s mean. She’s old. She’s absurdly wealthy. She owns one of the worst performing teams in NFL history, the Detroit Lions. And now, after decades of being goaded into selling, she’s finally ready to sell the team.

Martha Firestone Ford, a former Vassar girl, dubbed by some Lions fans as “Skeletor” for her imperious demeanor, took to social media today to announce that she is selling the Detroit Lions football franchise to Bayside graduate Dustin Diamond, a cousin of Jim Harbaugh’s, for $1.5 billion dollars.

Martha Ford

The Detroit Lions have been owned by the Ford Family since Martha’s husband William Clay Ford Sr. purchased them for $6 million dollars on November 22nd, 1963, the same day that President John F. Kennedy was assassinated, a fact which many have claimed permanently cursed the team.

Many have cited The Ford Family’s ownership of the team as the main reason the Lions haven’t excelled.

Just ask Barry Sanders.

Matt Patricia

Lions head coach, Matt “I’m official because I have a pencil in my ear” Patricia, has stood mute on the matter. His only statement is “no comment,” which he repeats ad infinitum.

97.1 The Ticket’s Mike Valenti has been right all along.

Ever since the Detroit Lions tried pulling strings to get Valenti fired from WXYT for telling it like it is about the Lions. WXYT’s parent company CBS actually had to step in and block the firing of Valenti, who is a valuable asset to global sports radio, so he could continue preaching the gospel truth about the Lions.

Martha Ford

In 1958, Lions QB Bobby Layne famously purposely cursed the team when he was traded to the Pittsburgh Steelers.

In 2008, the Lions were 0-16, the worst record in NFL history. They lost every single game, yet the management and players still got paid millions of dollars.

At one point in the 90’s, Lions coach Wayne Fontes was performing so poorly that his pre and post game ritual was to dip his balls in a hot cup of tea, just so that everything was equally painful for him on and off the field.

The Lions regular ‘amateur hour‘ performance has been cited as frequently matching Fontes testicular self-abuse in terms of painfulness.

Matt Patricia and Martha Ford

When the NFL reopens, will Diamond be able to lead his newly acquired Lions to victory?

Only time will tell.

Until then, the Lions fanbase will continue being studied by scientists for their superhuman levels of PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). There’s even a Lions PTSD ward at most Detroit-area hospitals.

Honolulu Blue was out in full force today at the Detroit Lions practice facility in Allen Park, Michigan. They were looking good and ready to play some football. That’s what we will be saying after the Coronavirus lockdown is lifted.

We will follow this story all day and every April Fools Day if we have to to get to the bottom of this.

Martha Ford
Neil L. Erickson, sports analyst in Palmetto, Florida, had this to say about the Lions:

I told my wife that I want her to hire 6 Detroit Lions players to be my pall bearers when I die so that they can let me down one last time. The problem is they most likely will fumble me 10 yards before the grave.

I knew a guy who was cleaning out an old house for his boss. He came across a beautiful lamp. He started rubbing the dust off it and to his amazement, POOF a genie appeared.

“Thank you for releasing me from the confines of that lamp. As your reward, I will grant you one wish.” the genie said.

The guy thinks long and hard and says, “I wish to live forever!” The genie said, “Sorry, I can not grant something that goes forever. It must be limited.”

The guy thinks again and says, “Okay, I wish to live until the Lions win the Superbowl.” The genie looks at him and says, “You crafty bastard.”

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