DETROIT – Early this morning, without warning, a large vibrating box had U.S. Customs & Border Patrol agents reaching for their AR-15’s at DTW Airport. What they found will chill you to the very core of your penis.
Fuzznobblers. Ghanggoozlers. Grinch ticklers. Seussy-Q span paddlers. Kumdruzzler’s and more. Dildo’s thicker than an elephant’s hind leg and more ben wah balls than you can shake a 70’s bush at.
The address label? Dike Muggins, Maroonian Maison, Detroit, Michigan.
Following the intended destination of the illegally imported sex contraband led them directly to the front steps of the Maroonian Maison, where more surprises were lurking.
On the front lawn, Mayor Dike Muggins was playing cornhole….naked.
In the backyard they found mounds of illegal sex toys. The name on the labels? Dike Muggins, alias Lionel Hutz, alias Dr. Nguyen Van Falk, alias Gerbil Boy.
When questioned, Muggins said “So I like a little jizz on my omelet, who gives a s***? If they didn’t wanna bang they shoulda stayed up out the trap house.”
After his nonsensical ramblings, two other mysteries unfolded in quick succession: why do pornstar Bobby Knockwurst and mayor Dike Muggins look exactly the same? The only difference is Bobby wears a Zorro-type eye mask.
The other real mystery is why does the amount of money missing from the Civic Development Fund (codename Paczki Fund) match the exact same amount of money on the bill of receipt for these salacious and sexpensive sextoys? $9,430,823.41. Coincidence? Or is something rotten at the Maroonian Maison?
Is this just another simple open-and-closed Chinatown case of too much eggs and sperm sauce? You be the judge.
We’ll follow this story all day and every April Fool’s Day if we have to. Keep it up and stay hard Detroit. Stay hard.
In other breaking news! Shocking discovery was made today! Invisible Gyms work just as well as real gyms! If you sit in your garage and pretend to lift weights, research has proven it is just as effective (if not more so) as lifting actual weights!
