BREAKING NEWS: In a bold move that historians are already calling “extremely on-brand,” President Donald Trump has announced plans to replace the Statue of Liberty with… the Statue of Donald Trump.
Dubbed “Liberty 2.0: Now With More Confidence,” the new monument will reportedly feature a slightly more familiar face, a meticulously sculpted hairstyle capable of withstanding coastal winds, and a torch described by insiders as “the most tremendous torch anyone has ever seen anywhere ever.”
Sources say the tablet will be updated to include “very important numbers,” though officials declined to clarify which ones. Early mockups suggest the statue may also include a subtle thumbs-up. A purely coincidental flourish, of course.
Tourism officials are optimistic. “People already come to New York for iconic landmarks,” one spokesperson said. “Now they’ll come for the landmark and the branding.”
Construction is expected to begin as soon as engineers confirm the crown can accommodate “just a little extra volume.” Critics have raised questions about historical preservation, but supporters argue the new statue will still stand for freedom, just with “a slightly stronger personal touch.”
At press time, souvenir vendors had already begun selling miniature versions of the statue which also doubles as both an artificial phallus and twin salt n’ pepper shakers.
We’ll follow this story all day and every April Fools’ Day if we have to.
